Renaming TWO

I've never liked the label "THE TERRIBLE TWOs". I don't agree with the mindset it puts Mommas in, or the behavior it condones in two-year-old children.

So, let's rename it!

Age two is often when children really begin realizing that there are options, reasons, choices. That would explain, "why?", "I don't wanna", and "no." Two is when kids become aware of their freedom, and most of them spend a good part of a year intensely testing the limits of that freedom (and their Momma... :) ).

I'm working through this stage with my second two-year-old at the moment, and I've had some realizations along the way. When our oldest, Jonathan, was two, I realized how important this year is. Someone told me that "two" is a time of laying the groundwork for the rest of his childhood- and I agree! It's when we most  firmly establish boundaries, consequences, expectations, and most importantly when we pour the mold for the relationship we will have with that child. I think it's so crucial that we shoulder in to the toughness of this time of intense training, and not shy away from it, hoping it will pass with the next birthday... If we cut corners during this time, they will come back to bite us as our child grows.

Something I'm working to focus on in the midst of all this training is that I not sacrifice my relationship with my child for the sake of "obedience". I'm praying about and learning to USE the relationship to mold the child. Often it's difficult not to take things personally- direct disobedience/defiance specifically... however, if I were to allow my little person's actions to get under my skin in such away that it becomes ME vs. YOU, then our bond becomes dependent on his good or bad choices. Instead our bond should be made of unconditional love on my part, proven through consistency in training coupled with speaking with words and actions what a joy it is to be this little person's Mommy!

Of course I don't mean that I let my kids do whatever they want because I want to be "friends" with them. What I DO mean is that through this time of training, I'm working to put as much effort into training them as I am into speaking love and value to them.

As I launch full-force with my second two-year-old, Henry, I've come upon a whole new realization. Two is also about when children come upon a new level of spiritual awareness! (don't go all theological on me... I don't know when a little soul becomes accountable for eternity- that's God's business not mine)

If I rewind by a couple years, when Jonathan was two I was going through a really unique season spiritually. Jonathan was two while I was carrying Evelyn! He watched me cry out daily to God for her life, he watched me as each footstep was lifted and placed by God's strength alone... Jonathan watched me lean hard on God while he was two. He drank it in, processed it, and believed in the reality of God and Heaven!  Spiritually I'm in a season of peace during Henry's second year, but I do still see the same glimmers of new awareness in him as I did in Jonathan. He is beginning to be afraid of the dark- realizing that there is more to life than what he can see. If he can experience fear of something he can't actually see or touch... it makes sense that the same little heart can feel the peace and love of a God that he can't see or touch as well!

Currently I'm asking God for wisdom on how to show GOD to Henry. As Henry's spiritual awareness takes flight, I want to let him see MY spiritual life. He needs to know more than the story of Noah's Ark- he needs to watch me interact with my Creator! It is essential that I make the most of this time: I don't want to get lost in do's and dont's, I want to mold and cultivate a man of God!

As for renaming age TWO... I haven't landed on a suitable catch-phrase.  I just know that I don't consider this year "terrible". It's an honor to be trusted with such an essential season of a little person's life- both physical and spiritual!

Evelyn's first Birth Day

Friday, May 18th was Evelyn's first Birth Day!

In the weeks leading up to her special day, I spent some time planning how I wanted the day to go... I thought of some meaningful things we could do together to honor her place in our family. I've had so much peace about her short life, and I felt a little excited about the day, in a weird way.

On the 17th I began to notice in my heart a creeping darkness. It felt familiar in a rotting, aching, death sort of way. Josh came home from work in the afternoon, snuck up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders, "How ya doin'?", he asked. I'm alright... "I don't believe you." It was then that I admitted that creeping, dark feeling in my heart. I turned in to his chest and wept like I did a year ago. I tasted her death again.

The moment passed, and peace began to reign in my heart again. We talked about it later, and realized that on the 17th of last year, I was carrying her empty body inside me- her heart already with Jesus. She wasn't born until the 18th, but on the 17th we had learned that she was gone.

Evelyn's first Birth Day was beautiful. It went in every way how I had planned. Of course I wish she could have been here, but it was a day of honoring her life and claiming God's victory through her! A dear friend of mine (who was with me just moments before she was born) came to our house to photograph our time together. The day was partly cloudy, warm with a gentle breeze. We released pale pink balloons in our back yard, symbolically sending them up to her and Jesus. We took photos of us holding her beautiful, rose shaped urn, and a tiny red rose that we took pictures with on the day she was born. The boys were so gentle with her urn, so loving and tender toward the sister they won't get to meet for awhile. We ate pale pink cupcakes (which Henry was particularly excited about!), and Ruby was in the photos as well- a symbol of God's detailed faithfulness.

What a unique, beautiful day- and what a mighty God we serve!

These photos are by Caitlin Kristine Photography

Mothers Day

This morning I sat in church and reflected on the last few Mothers Days...

A funny tid-bit I realized is that I have been pregnant on Mothers Day FOUR times!

My first Mothers day was confusing for my heart. I was 8 months pregnant with Jonathan, and considered myself a mom! Life begins at conception, and a pregnant Momma is giving all her strength and energy to her baby... but not everyone sees it that way.

The next year Jonathan was almost 1, and I was 5 months pregnant with Henry.

The next year I had my boys, and was not pregnant (haha, you might be a mom if... you measure passing years with whether you were pregnant or not :) ).

I thought a lot about last year: last year I was still carrying Evelyn. Last year was such a strange paradox of pain and blessing... I was so surrounded by life in my little boys, and so close to tasting Evelyn's death. I'm so, so grateful that I got to hold her on the inside on one Mothers Day. Evelyn's birthday is this Friday, and I plan to post about that later.

This year I have a big, round belly again- and a fresh perspective. Sitting in church today, I dug a little through my heart. My heart is in SUCH a different place than last year. Last year I was held calm in the balance between life and pain by my careful, perfect Creator. He walked so, so closely with me through the darkest time of my life, and now in my season of peace and joy, I can look back and see His faithfulness!

This year I see so freshly what an honor it is to carry life! What an honor to be trusted with children. As Christian moms we know that "Mom" is not just diapers, bandaids, nursing, no-nos, potty training, school, routines, lunches... "Mom" is the responsibility to mold hearts, to teach giant personalities stuffed into little bodies about their Creator- how to see Him, feel Him, chase after Him, respond to Him. What an honor that God has trusted us with such a giant, important, life-long task!

This year I'm overwhelmingly grateful to BE a Mom.

I want to pause for a bit before ending this post to honor those of you that know in your heart that you have carried life, even though the world may not acknowledge you. From the moment a woman's heart and body know that life has been given, a giant piece of her heart grows permanently wrapped around the unknown little person. If your heart is aching over premature separation from a child... may God bless you. May He walk closely with you, as He did with me. And may He again grant you life! Heaven sees you as "Momma", and so do I.

God bless you ladies, right next to my gratefulness for being given children sits my gratefulness to be surrounded my such a wonderful network of Mommas!

Byebye Binkie!

Henry said goodbye to his binkie tonight!

 

I used to have his binkie clipped to his shirt all the time. I got tired of losing it, dropping it gross places (non-gross places weren't a big deal :) ), etc, so he had a strap attached to it, clipped to his shirt. The binkie would dangle along with him wherever he went, and when necessary brought immediate comfort :) I loooooved his binkie, I have to confess. I loved the innocent contentment I saw in his face in those moments of "necessary immediate comfort". I loved how it could instantly bring quiet stillness to my noisy, verbal boy. I loved the simplicity of this tiny piece of plastic that made him feel so right with the world...
 Late summer/early fall last year I tied a binkie to the hand of his beloved monkey. My game plan for the inevitable "time-to-say-goodbye-to-the-binkie" was to soften it a bit: I was going to unclip the binkie from his shirt, and only let him have the one attached to his monkey at bedtime (my plan didn't go any farther than that...). One day he was out playing in the yard, and the clip came un-clipped. We didn't notice until bedtime, when it was dark. He went to bed with the binkie attached to his monkey just fine- BAM- my plan worked! I hadn't prepared myself for him to lose his all-the-time binkie so quickly, so after he was in bed I spent part of my evening scouring the yard with a flashlight! But to no avail... He asked for his binkie occasionally, but transitioned to only having it at bedtimes quite beautifully. Then he discovered that if he carried his monkey around, he could still have his in-times-of-dire-need binkie. As he began to talk more and more it became necessary to ask him to take it out to talk- though he does enunciate quite well without the binkie in, due to having to work hard to be understood while talking around it!
Over time his binkie started to tear, and I told him that we would replace it, but that the new one would be his last. (gulp.) He was totally okay with that, and threw his old one away by himself. I've been telling him that when his "last binkie" ripped beyond repair that he would throw that one away too, and have just his monkey. The binkie has been ripping bit-by-bit, looking more and more loved... I've known the time was drawing near!
Today on our way home from a wonderful weekend at the beach (both boys totally sacked out in the back seat), Josh had a rather wise thought: we should say goodbye to the binkie before it rips completely, to eliminate the danger of him choking on it (WOW, glad he thought of that!). So... we deemed tonight to be the night.
I confiscated the monkey/binkie combo once we got home, and completed the tear in the binkie. It was actually rather painful for me! ...possibly a combination of guilt over "breaking" his beloved comfort item, and knowing that this marks the end of a season I'll never get back again- my littlest boy is getting bigger, whether I'm ready for it or not!
A little while later he asked where his monkey was, and I broke the news: "Henry, I need to show you your binkie... remember how we said that it's your last one and once it breaks we'll throw it away and be all done with binkies?"  Uh-huh "Well, your binkie is broken now. Let me show you, and you can be the big boy and throw it away all by yourself" Daddy had provided some skittles to soften the blow, and I saw a tinge of inner panic in his face until the skittles appeared. Then he held the broken binkie in his hand and said, "My binkie broke-did, Mommy!" He pulled up his little boot straps, and cheerfully ran to the garbage and tossed it in! As he was running to the garbage he hollered for his brother to tell him that he was all done with his binkie, and after slamming the garbage shut, flashed me a huge "BIG BOY!" grin!
I was prepared for bedtime to be difficult, or at least prolonged, but it wasn't really that bad. Jonathan went right to sleep (EXHAUSTED from the beach!), and Henry was quiet right away. I heard little thumps and rustles, and after about a half hour I went to see what they were. Henry was sitting in their new reading corner (two bean bag chairs, and an old suitcase full of books- happens to be next to their night light) picking out some reading material. He was rather glossy eyed, and had abandoned his binkie-less monkey in his bed. He asked me to read him a story, and I told him that he had permission to come right back to that spot in the morning, but that he needed to go to sleep. I rocked him for a bit, telling him that he could still snuggle his monkey like big brother snuggles his teddy. His eyes rolled, and he was out.

Good night, my oh-so-big boys, now it's time for Momma to say goodbye to the binkie... and ready or not, so closes another chapter.

"RULLY big"

Most of you know through facebook, but I've been obnoxiously sick this week... it started with a sniffly cold, and on Wednesday turned into the stomach flu... I was up a whole night miserable, and quarantined myself in my room the next day (thanks to a joint effort by my mom, Josh and brother John!), in an attempt to prevent my wild little indians from getting "the throwups". No one else got it, and by Friday I was functional enough to get the bare minimum accomplished.

I already told you about my wonderful weekend, so this story resumes on Monday. While my immune system was down with the flu, the cold I had started with decided to wreak havoc on my sinuses...

Last night was my parenting class/mom night out, and I was hoping to come home refreshed enough to enjoy a bit of an evening with my husband (who has been patiently waiting for my personality to return...). The ladies prayed over my sinuses, and I had high hopes for a quick recovery. However, by the time I got home I had the most painful sinus pressure I've ever had on my right cheek bone. I tried a cold rag on my face, Josh rubbed my sinuses, I took a hot bath... nothing worked. Discouraged, we went to bed (he decided to have a sleepover with the boys so I could have uninterrupted sleep- sweet, sweet man).

It turned out that it was a good thing Josh was upstairs... I tossed and turned and over and over woke up sobbing with such pain in my cheekbone. I was mad that God hadn't fixed it when I asked, and frustrated over how hard it has been to pour my heart into the people I love while so sick... in my tears I told God that He NEEDED to fix my pain so that I could get back to the people He has entrusted me with.  I ended up sitting up most of the night on the couch, holding a mug of hot tea under my nose. The only good thing about the night was how much of Ruby's movement I got to feel while sitting still for so long, in the dark. I crashed a little after 5:00, and the boys all came bouncing down the stairs a little before 7. I slapped together a tuna sandwich for my man, kissed him goodbye, and called my doctor. This must not go on, I thought.

Since I was calling before the office was open, I knew I would have to wait for a call back from the on-call doctor. I explained to the operator that I wanted to ask the doctor what medicine would be safe to take for a sinus infection during pregnancy... the doctor didn't call me back, so an hour later I called again. THIS MUST NOT GO ON! I thought again... The operator paged the doctor, but got right back on the line and told me that since the office would be opening in 40 minutes, that the doctor wanted me to call the office once it was open, instead. (I only need 5 minutes of her time, I thought...) I waited, called, and was told the nurse would call me back... 40 minutes later I called again- THIS MUST NOT GO ON!- ringing through my head... The nurse I talked to decided to call in a prescription for me rather than advising something I might already have in my medicine cabinet (rats, I wanted something like, 3 hours ago...). I packed up my little indians and headed to the pharmacy. All the while, grumbling about needing to leave my pajamas and my house. My prescription was ready, and we rushed back to the car- water bottle in hand- to take that first dose of sanity-saving medicine! I strapped the boys in, and climbed in the drivers' seat... only to struggle to open the medicine bottle. Finally I plunked down the bottle, let sleep deprivation and pain have their way, and cried.

"Are you sad, Mommy?"
"yes, I am... I'm sad because I feel so sick, and I can't get the medicine bottle open, and I just want to feel better so I can take better care of you boys..."
"I'm sorry Mommy"
"Thank you, sweet boy..."

They had lots of questions about why the bottle wouldn't open and why I was sick, etc, but finally I got the bottle open and we were on our way back home. It didn't take very long for the medicine to kick in, and I was beginning to feel functional again with in an hour or two. I sent a quick text of encouragement to my man that I may, in fact, feel like myself again soon, and sent a quick prayer of thanks to my Creator for modern medicine.

The rest of our day went really well. The boys enjoyed playing together all by themselves, and I was able to catch up on some normal tasks like dishes and laundry.

At bedtime tonight, after Odyssey, I was rocking Henry in the dark and Jonathan stepped out to get a drink of water. A minute later he peeked his head in the door, "Mommy, can I talk to you out here about God?" (YES.) I laid Henry down, and went out to the landing. He had placed two little chairs together, and parked himself in one of them.

"Mommy? What does God do when we're scared?"

We talked about God's love and protection...

"Mommy? Is God-like- RULLY big?"

Absolutely, little boy- more than we know.

We wrapped up our conversation, my heart soaring, and I tucked him into bed. God is so full of grace. I've known that He fills in the gaps when we are lacking, and I've been praying fervently during this season of sickness that He would fill in the gaps for my boys each day, especially in their hearts, when I don't have the strength to do much more than the physical tasks that day. Today I got to see it. In the middle of my pain, lack of sleep, and the ensuing heightened emotions, God was whispering in my almost-4 year old boy's heart.

I know little brother is watching, and I am too... What a mighty God we serve!

5th Anniversary

This weekend Josh and I savored our 5th Anniversary! The weekend went beautifully...

We didn't to anything "big" on the actual weekend of our 5th, but we have a trip we are planning to take after Ruby is old enough to be left with her Grandmas :)

Saturday morning we spent as a family- got some Dutch Bros and went garage sale-ing. The boys each found little treasures, and I found a few little things, and the weather was beautiful! After lunch we did a little yard work in the sun, had a quiet nap time, and then I surprised the boys (including Josh!) with a sleepover at Grandma and Grandpas! I had packed their bags with no one knowing during nap time :)

Josh and I went out to some sentimental places: Calamity Jane's for dinner, and Sandy Cinemas for a movie, and were back home a little after 9! It felt strange to not tuck the kids in for bed...

**side note, but I had a realization about why dinner-and-a-movie is such a popular date: Dinner is face-to-face time (which meets the woman's need), and movie is shoulder-to-shoulder time (which meets the man's need). Never thought of that before, but it makes so much sense!

Josh and I woke up slowly Sunday morning (it's amazing to lay in bed for even 5 minutes in the morning these days... :) ), and enjoyed leading worship together at church. After church Grandma and Grandpa brought the boys home.

It was a beautiful, peaceful weekend!

p.s. I made sure to take pictures of our weekend for two reasons: one, it being our 5th anniversary (I do want to remember what WE look like during these years as well as the kids!), and second that some of you being out of state have asked for some belly pictures! Here they are!

8 pm

This morning I had a beautifully quiet moment... Henry was playing quietly with a couple of cars, I had just brewed a cup of peach tea, and Jonathan called down the stairs for Henry to come up and join him to listen to "Adventures in Odyssey".  What a peaceful start to our day!

That's not how the day continued. Sometimes it seems like little people have a "good" quota and a "naughty" quota... yesterday they were exceptionally well behaved for most of the day, and today balanced that out :) Most of the day the issue was fighting with eachother, and toward the end of the day they decided to buddy-up and get into trouble together (which I will chuckle about later, I'm sure :))

I'm grateful for the good days (and good moments-- it's necessary to count those, too!) because they remind me that it's all worth it. The good moments keep things in perspective, place in front of my eyes the goal, the purpose behind it all.

And I'm working on being grateful for the days like today. They certainly keep me humble, and deeply remind me of how much I need God as I raise these little firecrackers :) As today (and my patience) came to a close (and, honestly, as I counted down the minutes until 8 pm when I could sit down by myself with a bowl of sorbet for my sore throat), I couldn't shake how important it is that I be in prayer for two things:

1) ...that God would grant me what I need to do my best at parenting- that He would help me discern in each moment how to proceed, and that He would reign in my heart in the moments of highest intensity. It's so easy for my vision to get clouded by the complexity of the human heart (both my own heart, and theirs), by the colds we have right now, and by the constant training required during this season. I need His whispers of encouragement and discernment EVERY day.

2)...that God would fill in the gaps- when I either don't hear or choose to ignore His whispers.

The last 20 minutes before bedtime things began to turn around. I had been telling the boys throughout the day that I could see in their faces that their "hearts wanted to be naughty", and that I was looking for their "hearts to want to be good". They knew that an early bedtime was looming, and Jonathan came to me with peace in his eyes and asked for a few more minutes to play... I told him that I could see the change in his heart and that I would give them another chance. They played nicely until 8:00 rolled around, and as I tucked them in we talked about our day.

We talked about the choices we had all made throughout the day, and as blame began to get passed, I reminded them (...and myself...) that we are only in charge of our own choices. They told me the "naughty" choices they made, and I told them the ones I made. We talked about how they each felt when the other was being mean or selfish, and about how Mommy felt with so much bad behavior. They reached the conclusion that we would all be happier if we were nicer to eachother, and we decided to try again tomorrow.

I'm so thankful for grace, for each "try again tomorrow" in our adult lives.

After some intentional prayer over our day tomorrow, on to that sorbet! :)